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23 most important questions you should ask yourself before getting married

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1. What are your reasons for getting married?

It’s one of the most important decisions anyone will ever make. Not having the right motive can be fatal. Why do you want to get married? Do you want to get

married for the right reasons and what are the right reasons?

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Reasons and their level of importance can vary from person to person. From being pushed by parents? Traditional expectations, to the ever ticking biological clocks & losing lustre in short term relationships.

There are endless reasons and only you can judge the other person's reasonings against your values.

Give this question around 5 minutes.


2. Ideally when would you like to get married?

This can be a deal breaker. Maybe you want to get married now, and maybe they don’t want to get married for another 5 years. Find this out before spending valuable time asking the other 99 questions. This is something you must be compatible with. I recommend a time frame of 1 to 6 months. This is enough time to make appropriate arrangements for your marriage but not too long as to fall into the dating trap. Remember, I am against dating. Your aim is not to try before you buy; you’re going straight into marriage. Watch out for someone who has reservations, excuses that will prolong things into years. No one is forcing anyone to get married to someone they don’t know yet. But in principle agree that if the marriage meeting process goes well, then they will be able to commit to marriage within the ideal time frame I have stated above. You should have as many marriage meetings as you need. There’s no limit to the number of marriage meetings you can have.


3. Ask about: Previous Marriages and Relationships Find out how many previous relationships the person opposite you has been in. Find out how long they were in these relationships and the reasons they ended. This requires full disclosure so make sure you are honest when you’re asked too. You don’t want any surprises from the past coming back to bite you. Some people aren’t comfortable if the other person has had

too many previous relationships.

Just as some people can’t stick to one career, there are

others who can’t stick to one relationship. Are you

comfortable being the next in line, the next victim?

Remember, we are here not for a short stint, but for the

definite long haul.

Perhaps the reason they broke up is a reason why you might

also break up in the future.

● What is the longest relationship you have ever had?

● What lessons did you learn from previous

relationships?

4. What Amount of Interaction is Acceptable With Past

Partners?

If the person opposite you has been in a previous

relationship it is important to find out how involved they

were and determine how comfortable you are with this.

Maybe they were just dating, perhaps they were married,

and maybe they now have kids also to look after. Only you


know what you’re comfortable with. Remember, full

disclosure here. You must be honest with them also.

Think about the following...

● What if they had children together?

● What if it was parents evening at school or parents

and children activity day?

● How should they interact with each other during the

time they get to see their children?

● Should they be allowed to exchange jokes? Make

each other laugh?

Talk about your true feelings and discuss boundaries NOW.

5. Do you want children? If yes, how many?

I know it may sound like you are jumping into this question

too quickly but it’s going to come up at some point so it’s

important to get it over and done with.

It is no good if you want children within the next year and

they don’t want children for another five. Maybe they aren’t

even sure if they want children at all. Are you okay with this?

You both need to be honest. Some, perhaps for medical

reasons, are not able to have children. Possibly, you yourself,

aren’t able to sire children and if you know this for a fact, you

need to inform them right away.


It could be you already have children and/or they already

have children. So in this case are you prepared to take on this

responsibility. Be honest with yourself, there is no shame in

not wanting to bring up another person's child. It is a huge

responsibility so you must be fully willing and able.

6. When do you want to have children?

People live in different ways, different lifestyles, have

different goals and aims in life. Somebody may want to start

a family immediately after getting married. Maybe because

their biological clock is ticking fast and they’re pressed for

time.

You, on the other hand, might be planning on waiting for

four or five years. So this question is very critical. There might

be an age gap between you and your potential partner.

Perhaps they had a previous family and they are adults now.

It is important to enquire if they are willing to go through the

whole experience again.

Can they take the early mornings and the sleepless nights

again? Some may not want to take a break from their careers

since a newborn may hinder their progress.

So discuss this before wasting each other’s time in something

that’s fruitless.


7. Let's talk birth control.

It may seem uncomfortable to discuss now and you may

want to revisit this question later. But when you’re in a

marriage this is very important and can have implications you

may not be prepared for.

Discuss the following:

● Would we be practicing birth control?

● If so, for how long?

● Who will be responsible for birth control?

● What would we do if there were an unplanned

pregnancy?

● Would you ever consider getting a male/female

vasectomy?

● What will be the method of birth control?

What if one won’t practice birth control, for religious or

medical reasons. What if your partner won’t be intimate with

you unless there is a form of birth control in place, but you

refuse any type of birth control. Can you deal with this?

8. Talk about raising children.


In some cultures it might be a given that the mother will take

the lead in raising and nurturing the children and the father

will be the provider & disciplinarian.

For some it is a big deal to know what exact role they will

play and what is expected of them. Some fathers are hands

on whilst others may see it demeaning. Attitudes vary

according to cultures and their own upbringing.

If it is important to you who changes the nappies and helps

with the homework etc. Now is your opportunity to speak or

forever hold your peace.

9. How will you be disciplining the children?

It has been proven again and again that disciplining children

is really important for their successful upbringing.

I want you to discuss, who is more comfortable in taking the

lead and for the other partner to support the decisions

made.

Also important is to discuss and agree on how the children

will be disciplined. Do you believe in spanking children?

Putting children in time-out? Standing them in the corner or

Taking away privileges, etc.


10. What religion will our children follow?

Only applicable if you both subscribe to different religions

and plan on having children. I need you to assess and discuss;

● How your religious beliefs affect your family?

● Whose religion are the children going to follow?

● Are they going to have a bit of both faiths?

● What if by doing so there’s a conflict in belief

structure?

In the case of a Hindu and a Muslim, there definitely is a

conflict in beliefs since one follows a multitude of Gods while

the other only one God; one follows idols, the other

something that you can’t physically touch or feel the

presence of.

Such situations are not ideal; what kind of family is divided

on religious basis? If following your religion is important to

you, I would highly recommend you don’t take chances with

this or you will regret later.

11. Would you feel unfulfilled if you were unable to have

children?

About 6-10% of the world, depending on region cannot

become parents due to infertility.


It is very important that you both discuss this unfortunate

situation as a team. Ensure your expectations and action

plans are known to each other. A lot of marriages die a lonely

lingering death because no one want to sit down and tackle

this heartbreaking situation head on.

Sub Questions:

● How would you react?

● Would the relationship end?

● Would you seek medical help?

● Would you consider polygamy?

● Would you consider adopting?

12. How would you react if you had a seriously ill or

disabled child?

Disability is a fact of life which I wish upon no one. Being a

parent of a disabled child can be really stressful especially

when one feels like they are the only one taking care of the

child.

Below are some of the questions you should definitely ask

and talk about:

● What would you do if you found out during early

stages of pregnancy?

● What is your view of abortion?

● Should a husband have an equal say in whether his

wife has an abortion?


● Have you ever had an abortion?

● God forbid you had a disabled child, would one

parent leave employment to take care of the child?

● Would you be accepting of outsourcing care to a

specialist centre or facility?

13. Do you have any existing children?

I want you to talk about the situation at hand openly without

the fear of being labeled as a monster or fiend of a kind.

If either of you are bringing children into the relationship.

The following questions need to be addressed for the well

being of the relationship and children. Remember they will

also become stakeholders in this relationship and might have

a lot of mistrust/broken family issues etc. All they want is

love and stability.

● How old are they?

● Whom do they live with?

● How often do you see them?

● How come you are no longer with their

mother/father?

● What is your relationship with them?

● How do you see your relationship with them in the

future?

● Do you pay alimony or child support?

● Have you ever failed to pay child support? If so, why?

● Do any of the children have special needs?


14. How we’ll manage relationship with children from a

previous relationship?

If either of you have children already whether biological or

otherwise. You need to get each others opinion and thoughts

about the situation.

Raising a child who’s not your own flesh and blood can be a

challenge and it is of utmost importance that you discuss this

in great detail.

Points to discuss:

● How do the children feel about this relationship?

● Will your partner treat them as their own?

● Will your partner be able to create a bond?

● If both of you have children, can they get along?

● What are the logistics of these children, remember

they need to be housed, fed, clothed, educated etc.

● Should only birth parents be in charge of making

decisions for their own children?

● What authority do step-parents have over your

children?

15. How do you spend your free time?

I encourage you to expand upon this question. The more you

talk, the more you will learn. It could be that you don’t agree

with the other person’s hobbies or vice versa, or maybe you


will find the person’s passion for something an attractive

quality and make you like them.

If you share the same hobbies then it will help in spicing up

your marriage. If not, you’ll definitely need to give each other

some time. Hobbies are meant to help people relax. Some go

to the gym, some take piano lessons, whilst others choose to

spend time with their friends, etc.

Also be sure to confirm if you and your partner would wish to

be together during your spare time. Sometimes people like to

be alone or with their friends and this isn't always a bad

thing, but if you aren’t in agreement this will cause doubt

and conflict within your marriage.

Points to ponder:

● Do you share the same interests?

● Will you still be able to continue with your hobby

when married?

● Will their hobby affect the family's finances?

16. Do you believe in any of the following?

● Horoscopes

● Ghosts

● Fortune Tellers

● Spiritual Healing

● Life after death


● End of the world planning

● Aliens

As funny as this sounds, imagine if you consider everything to

be going well and get married without asking this question.

Then one day your partner turns around and claims to have

been abducted by aliens or is preparing a doomsday bunker

in the back garden? Would this be a deal breaker?

People have very different views regarding ghosts, mediums

and psychics etc. To the point where they can offend or get

offended by others who disagree with them. It’s best to

know the answers to this now just on the chance that it may

cause a crack down the road in your marriage.

17. Do you have any long term goals or ambitions?

Many of us have life goals or ambitions and they can often

play a significant role in a person's life. At times, we need

people’s support and encouragement to keep reaching for

something better. It’s really depressing if your spouse

doesn’t believe in your dreams and ambitions.

Talk about each other's goals and ambitions in depth. What

are they and why do you have them. Can you be your

spouse’s number one fan? If you support them in whatever

they do you’ll get immense love in return.


18. Do you like travelling?

People travel for many different reasons and there are many

types of traveling to consider. Some people take up seasonal

contracts abroad, and others take frequent short inter-city

trips. Maybe you love package holidays, or maybe you hate

them. So this is a valid question to find out each others

preferences.

● How often do you both travel out of the country?

● How are finances affected by travelling?

● Have you both considered your family life? Especially

if you’re away often.

● What is your motivation for traveling? Leisure,

Exploration, Work, Education, etc.

● If you don’t like travelling would you mind if your

partner does it alone?

19. Where have you travelled & Why?

Get to know of the travel experiences your partner has been

through and talk about yours also. When traveling to a new

place there are unique experiences that one gets and this

sometimes can change a person.

Find out what type of traveller the person is. Did they go just

to party? Was it a lads’ weekend away? Maybe it was a

cultural exploration. You can find a lot about a person's

character by simply talking about where someone has been

and their reasons for going.


Try to ask each other the following:

● Where did you travel, with whom and why?

● Would you travel back to where you have been and

why?

● What did you learn from it? Did it change you as a

person?

20. Talk about your education?

With this question you want to find out about each other’s

education level and your attitudes towards different types of

education. Find out if they were home schooled or if they

went to a public or private school and how that moulded

them into the person they are today.

People’s opinions on education can differ hugely so talk

about your own views and debate. Think to yourself if you

can accept the other person’s outlook even if it differs from

yours.

Try talk about

● What is your current education level?

● Do you plan any further education?

● If you do how much time and resources will this take

up and will it cause a problem in your marriage?

● How do you feel about your education and that of

the person opposite you?

● Do you agree with each other’s view on education?

● What priority is education is your life?

● How would you educate your children? And to what

level. Public or private school etc.

21. Are you an academic or a practical person?

The main difference between an academic and a practical

person is their approach to life.

The academic takes on a more theoretical way of handling

situations whilst a practical person tends to take on a more

hands on approach.

So think about what type of person you are.

Differences between you both isn't necessarily a bad thing

but be aware of it. Someone who is practical is more likely to

be okay with a similar practical person than an academic,

similarly, someone academic may prefer another academic.

Talk it out and judge this question's importance to you. How

will your differences affect the relationship?


22. What core characteristics are important to you in a

spouse? What are you looking for?

Choosing a life partner is the most important decision you

will ever make and you have to find a person whom you can

put up with and who, more importantly, can put up with you.

This question is important because you get to know your own

expectations and also share them with your potential life

mate.

Considering the many things people look for in a partner,

different people will have a different idea of what’s

important. Some may be drawn to physical characteristics,

while for others it may boil down to more specific traits like

honesty, openness, supportiveness, creativity etc.

It is worth thinking about

● The type of spouse you want? A housewife? A

househusband? A go getter… etc.

● Should the husband be a manly man? The wife a girl

girl? etc.

Everyone should be happy being who they are but you must

be suitable for each other. And of course don’t forget to talk

about what compromises are you each willing to make fore ach other. This is important.

That said, don’t agree to make too many compromises as character based changes are often ingrained into us so deeply that most people rather forgo the relationship than to change character, so don’t fool yourself.


23. What is unacceptable from a spouse?

This question is meant to establish the ultimate deal breakers in your marriage. It will provide a basis on which you and your partner can identify possible problems that may lead to breakdowns in your marriage. It is very important to find out red flags and if possible, solutions to them.

In this discussion talk about:

● If they have had any addictions - gambling or

substances.

● What has made other relationships fail.

● Boundaries with people of the opposite sex. What is

acceptable. What isn't.

● What is considered as betrayal.

It is worth going into detail, as what you may find

insignificant others may hold a lot of value to. For example, is

what you are wearing acceptable to your spouse? (more

detail in q25) What about the relationship between friends,

do you consider it too intense or flirtatious? Work out any

issues now before you become invested in a relationship that

isn’t making you happy.

Source: opera.com
The views expressed in this article are the writer's, they do not reflect the views of Opera News. Read more>>

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